I know I haven't written a blog in a while, but for this project, I really believe that I've come upon a big discovery, something that will change the way I look at and handle classes from now on. I want to be make sure I word this correctly so I can say what's going through my head in just the right way.
For this last project I'm doing nothing. Please don't be quick to judge and say that I'm BSing, I really have a good reason. I'm really not trying to be lazy.
As I was getting ready to do the project I intended to do, the one I mentioned last week, I was feeling stressed about it. I thought to myself you can't be stressed about this one. The point was to do something you liked doing. You need to enjoy this one. Then I asked myself, shouldn't all projects I do be this way? Why am I doing any of these if all I'm doing them for is to turn in an assignment?
I realized that that was exactly what I was doing. I thought, before this class, that I was already doing stuff because I enjoyed it. But not until about an hour ago did I realize that this wasn't the case. I've been doing all these things, mostly, to satisfy something other than myself.
This semester has been really rough on me for some reason. I think it all started when I went to see Beth Haggenjos about internships. I realized that I had nothing for my portfolio to even get started. I then thought that everything I do from now on has to be perfect, awesome stuff. The difference between perfect and where I am now is staggering and I think that's what led it to be a bad semester. It caused me to not enjoy what I was doing because I was doing it to present to someone else in the future, not to improve myself.
So what does this have to do with the pickles assignment? Well, I was about to get started, but then I thought to myself, if I'm going to do this now, am I going to enjoy it like I said I was going to do? Or am I just doing a project to fill a space, to have something to show? I came to the conclusion that I was about to commit the sin of all Seeing Sideways sins: busy work.
So, I'm not going to do it. I will come in only with the knowledge of what I have learned this whole semester:
From now on, I'm going to make it a point that before every assignment, I will ask myself, how can I do this assignment in a way that I will enjoy it. I will also make it a point to do things with plenty of time so that I don't get to the point where it stresses me out so much that I won't get enjoyment out of it.
As one last note, I would just like to say that I'm willing to defend this decision. Am I afraid that people will think that I'm full of s*** and that I was just too lazy to do a project? Am I afraid that the instructor will say, "you don't have anything, F FOR YOU!" Yes. I'm terrified of it. I sat in my bed for 45 minutes going back and forth on which way I should go. But last week, I asked Beth how she thought I was doing. She said that she thought I was still afraid of being right. I thought that when I asked that question, no matter what her answer was, I probably couldn't change my ways so late in the game. So here is a way of trying to change. I'm terrified of being wrong on this one, but I believe in what I'm doing and I'm going to do it anyways. I guess you could say that I'm also bouncing thoughts off the fear project too. I'm very afraid of being wrong. That's why I didn't speak up very much during our religious debate, or ever in religious debates. I'm afraid that I'll say the wrong thing and look stupid. So no matter what the consequences of this "project", I'm going to do it the way I want and face being wrong.
So that's all I got. I'll stop talking now. But I'm still going to bring something in for class. It won't have anything to do with the last project. I'm going to bring something I WANT TO BRING IN, DAMN IT!
